Hm. I honestly forgot I even had this. I don’t think Ainsley ever comes on here anymore, so, really, I should just delete this.

Occasionally, I find Ainsley’s blog posts a bit disconcerting.

Like this one.

It’s been around a week since everything happened with Ainsley not taking his medication and all that. He’s spent the last several days following me around when I’ve been home, trying to cook for me, keeping the house clean, and intentionally picking shows on television that he knows I will like.

It’s incredible how hard he tries when he knows he’s hurt me.

He’s a good man, though I don’t say it as often as I should. He’s not a bad person, even when he’s off his medication.

I’m definitely not as shook up as I was when it happened, which is obviously a good thing. I know Ainsley won’t miss his medication again, at least not for a while, after what happened.

We’ve had a few…problems, for lack of a better word, at home the past few days. Ainsley was supposed to pick up his medicine a few days ago, but was unable to do so, and, as a result, skipped taking his pills all together. Of course, when he does that, all the voices become more intense and, from what I understand, he has trouble differentiating between the real world and what’s in his head.

It so happened that his head was telling him that I was…well, I’m not entirely sure. It was something not so good about me though, I know that much. I know it had to do with who I was with that evening, though I don’t intend to name him here. Ainsley attacked me shortly after I got home. The entire event was a disaster. I convinced him to go to bed and slept on the couch, which never ends well for me (I wake up sore if I don’t sleep in a bed).

When Ainsley takes his medication, I do trust him, which is saying a lot, as I tend to not trust other people. When he doesn’t take it, however, I find it hard not to be cautious around him. He’s significantly larger than I am, so physical defense is not an ideal option. He can’t be reasoned with when he’s in the midst of an episode either, so my best option is to try and leave until he calms down, which is usually a course of action that is unavailable when  I need it.

I know Ainsley feels bad about everything. He’s been doing all the chores around the house all week without being asked or complaining. He’s even been doing his best to keep things clean to my standards, which are much higher than his, I can assure you. In his own way, he’s trying to make up for what happened, and I understand that. Still, it is hard to stop being careful around him. That will go away in time though. It always does.

I did finally make it home, later than I had hoped to though. Our bus broke down, so we stayed in a small hotel before finally getting home today.

I think I’ll never take a school trip again. It’s a bit too frustrating for my liking. Besides, I don’t particularly enjoy being on a bus with the rest of my class like that, or in a hotel with them, planned or otherwise.

All in all, I missed Ainsley, and it’s much better to be home with him again. He’s ridiculous, but I understand him, so it’s alright.

As a matter of fact, nothing needs to be “facebook official.” That’s why I don’t have a facebook.

I’m currently on a school trip. Where isn’t important, as I don’t think anyone following this needs to know who doesn’t already know.

To be honest, I was looking forward to getting away for a few days and having that time to focus on school work without the distractions at home (Ainsley, if you’re reading this, I’m sure you are well aware of exactly what I’m talking about).

As it turns out, I’m currently more interested in getting home. I’m not used to being away from said distractions, and, while they make it harder to do the work I need to do, they certainly do make life more pleasant. (Again, Ainsley, I’m sure you know which distractions I’m talking about.)

I’ll be home by tomorrow evening. I can honestly say I’m looking forward to it.

housingplans asked: Hi there - I admire your blog! Hope you don't mind if I use some of your content for my blog.

Yes, that would be fine. I didn’t know anyone was even reading my blog, so of course, feel free to use anything I say.

ainsleyholloway:

i haven’t blogged anything in so long. my words are nothing. they mean nothing and no one is around to hear them. except rowan. always rowan. but even my words to him, my most important person…they are meaningless.

i say, “i won’t hurt you again.”
but the sickness grips me, the demons find me, and i hurt him.

i say, “i’ll never forget you.”
but the paranoia twists my reality into not knowing his face.

the doctors are still trying to fix me. i just keep waiting for them to succeed.

Ainsley, I know you don’t mean to hurt me, and I understand that you don’t always recognize me. I doubt you ever really forget me though, so that at least is correct. Alright? If something is bothering you, you can always talk to me. I’m not going to say anything else here, because I still don’t know how I feel about this whole blogging thing. As it is, I thought I ought to reply, and since tumblr won’t let me comment on what you say, I didn’t see any other option.

Ainsley, sometimes, I just don’t know what to do with you.

I’m not saying that I don’t love you. Obviously, I do, or I wouldn’t be with you now.

And I’m not eating an apple just because you told me to, even if I said I would last night to calm you down.